Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
