??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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