Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I have tasted many bathrooms
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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