he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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