found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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