I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
