Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
