I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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