Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
