where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
