No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
