Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
