the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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