I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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