Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
