your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
