Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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