I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
