Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I don't deserve a penis
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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