If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
