Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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