Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I want a musical about memes.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
