I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
