Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
