My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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