he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
