you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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