I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
