You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
