Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
