my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
