Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
And then he peed in my hair
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
