Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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