Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
