So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
