I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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