I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
