proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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