Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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