sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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