I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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