im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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