The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
