Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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