i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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