I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm always down for nudity.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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