I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
