so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
