Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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