I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
