Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
