you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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