Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
