He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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