Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
