awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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