Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We are two peas in an std pod
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
