my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
