sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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