Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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